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Joke of the Day

"[Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* ""How are you doing on Depends bud?"""

"I burnt 1200 calories today! I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven."

"I wonder if nails ever get tired of being hit on."

"My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe"

"I have no patience But that's mostly because I'm not a doctor."

"Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants."

"I love kids...But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!? I don't let people touch my new iPhone"

"What do you call a man who gives a woman the illusion of entitlement? A Husband..."

"Why does a one legged man make a terrible therapist? Because he has less understanding."

"I tried convincing my melon-loving girlfriend to run away with me. But she told me she Cantaloupe."