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Joke of the Day

"SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME'S TOM AND I'LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER"

"~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them ~ Can't find keys, has thrombosisDies ~ Comes back as ghost ... finds keys"

"eating dinner with a gun in both of my hands is challenging but i realized i can just shoot the food and catch the splatter in my mouth"

"What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz"

"Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home."

"Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over"

"For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I'm being stalked"

"I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes."

"What type of animal browses Reddit? Karma-vore"

"""Hey, did you see that article about cats invading the internet?"" ""Yeah, I reddit."""