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Joke of the Day

"If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation."

"How do you know your wife is getting vat... ... you have to switch off the light during sex. Not because she's ugly but because the bulb burns your ass."

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's 13."

"The quietest sound ever recorded is the sound of a Canadian saying ""excuse me"" in a crowd"

"Ignoring your text is easy. It's having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I'm not home when you drive by that's awkward."

"""Dad can we get a puppy?"" ""No but we can get a submarine if you like?"" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] ""dad I should be at school"""

"What do you call an Atheist at a Christian fancy dress party? A cross-dresser."

"My doctor suggested I use ice to reduce the pain. But I think this whiskey tastes just fine without it."

"My mate asked why I've got a Neo costume in my closet; so I told him about the time his sister said she'd only give it up for 'the one'..."

"A Roman walks into the bar... ...holds up two fingers, and says, ""Five beers, please."""