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Joke of the Day

"How do you know your wife is getting vat... ... you have to switch off the light during sex. Not because she's ugly but because the bulb burns your ass."

"WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you ME: but I'm a slave 4 u WIFE: that's it ME: (whispers) oops I did it again"

"I hope the all-female Ghostbusters reboot proves once and for all women are as equally out of ideas as men"

"Seven days without food... Makes one weak!"

"What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver? The home golfer goes WHACK! ""Oh no!"" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa"

"What did the guy with 5 penises say? ""These pants fit like a glove"""

"A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'"

"What's a magician's favorite Mexican dish? TosTADA!"

"Programmers talking... \- So I heard you've got a new girlfriend? \- Yeah, she's amazing, 35-24-35! \- Deep purple?"

"If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck... ...it'll be a vacuum!"