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Joke of the Day

"Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn't have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful."

"Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades."

"Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me? Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride"

"How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes."

"""susan. SUSAN IT'S WORKING GET IN HERE"" -Moses practicing parting the water in the bathtub"

"A secretary and her boss Secretary: do you wanna go out for dinner tonight? Boss: I don't know. Check if im free while I go get some coffee."

"High-Speed Rail in the US."

"Her: ""Will you still love me if you win 1 million dollars at the lottery?"" Him: ""Of course, baby! But I will miss you..."""

"If I had a time machine I'd alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene"

"That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow..."