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Joke of the Day

"STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there."

"#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet."

"*sits perfectly still for a 12-hour portrait painting* ""Delete it."""

"Imagine having cocks for hands and then being in business type situations where you have to shake hands. How embarrassing."

"My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you'll need a shovel and map to find him."

"Q: Can gorillas swim? A: No."

"I have a physical limitation from achieving any of my goals My fucking spine. Holds me back."

"Did you hear Donald Trump was in a fantasy action movie? He was the White Power ranger"

"Making people uncomfortable & upset really gives me the most happiness in life . Above all else , I hope to make you feel wrong"

"How do most women like their eggs? Ovarie-z"