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Joke of the Day

"[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car"

"You can eat a clock But it is very time consuming"

"What is Oscar Pistorius's new favourite band? Bullets For My Valentine"

"A speedo is just a man's way of saying ""not today girls""."

"Mom joke I told my friend I started going out with an older woman,so he asked her age. I told it was 42,when he replied wow she could be your mom. I just answered :yes,but she is yours."

"I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card."

"Did you hear about the fire on the Indian reservation? It was intense."

"This whole time I thought 50 Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs"

"Ugly is in the eye of the beholder as well."

"'I'm sorry' and ""My bad"" mean the same thing ... except at a funeral."