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Joke of the Day

"I want to congratulate every couple that has gotten to the stage in their relationship where they just stare at each other in disgust."

"Whats the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You dont have to beg your wife to blow one of them."

"DOCTOR TO PATIENT JOKE Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!"

"MUSLIMS GO HOME! Your spouse called and is fixing dinner early. Please pick up some hummus on your way."

"Me: I haven't tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on... *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived."

"ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing"

"What did the pirate say after his successful pillage? Thanks for the gold kind stranger!"

"Who was the knight that invented the round table? Sir Cumference. (via friend who got this from a street performance group in the England area of Epcot)"

"My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate... So I got a second girlfriend."

"A disciple asked, ""Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?"" ""Yes, son,"" the guru quipped, ""as long as there are no attachments."""