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Joke of the Day

"GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge? ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people"

"The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should've been finished a year ago."

"Teenagers are overweight because... ...they aren't getting in enough physical activity. Damn consent laws..."

"What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin."

"Why couldn't the whistle blower make it home for the holidays? he was snowden"

"My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How's your night going?"

"Quick, I need some fables, ASOP."

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Still unsure as to whether or not that full stop adds to humorous effect."

"At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, ""Make that 52."""

"So I was outside on the farm yesterday when this cow comes charging at me and attempts to jump over the barbed wire fence... It was an udder disaster."