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Joke of the Day

"If you're new to Twitter from Facebook, you can just reply ""Like"" to all of my tweets. I'll understand"

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

"Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before"

"What do you call a grumpy girl's desk? A periodic table."

"I tried to catch some fog... but i mist."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alberta ! Alberta who ! Alberta'll be over in a minute !"

"Did you guys hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? He turned out to be a seasoned veteran."

"When the step kids start talking shit, I like to remind them that I am totally boning their mom."

"What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? ""Everyone got seat belts on back there?"""

"My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat."