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Joke of the Day

"My boss asked me why I'm late, apparently answering ""because your wife wouldn't let me get out of bed"" just gets you sent to HR."

"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"They cooled a man to absolute zero He is 0K."

"What time do dentists fly airplanes? Tooth Hurty (2:30)"

"""Fraud"" Our teacher put an ugly dried up amphibian specimen on the lab table and asked: So. Is it a FROG or a TOAD? Murph: It is a ""FRAUD""."

"Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping. 4yo: *runs upstairs CRASH JUMP ""Wake up!"" SLAM *runs back downstairs ""No, he's not."""

"Teens today have it so easy. We didn't have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms."

"I heard Baja Fresh has a new burrito called the Ravens. It has everything on it but Rice."

"Why was the lesbian mermaid fired from the bakery? She was eating all the muff-fins."

"Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?"