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Joke of the Day

"My superpower is acting like I'm trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it."

"Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion."

"If I commit suicide, it'll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times."

"Why Russians never drive stick shift? They really hate Stalin"

"If you really love someone never let them out your basement."

"What do you call an ant with frog's legs? An antphibian."

"A cop stopped me and asked ""Do you know why I followed you "" so I said ""because my tweets are funny"" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail..."

"I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops."

"I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what. It's my new year resolution."

"Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn't work find alcohol like I did."