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Joke of the Day

"[First Date] Me: so can I see you again? Her: I had a nice time but I don't think so Me: *stops holding in stomach*"

"A 6'-6"" guy doesn't scare me, but my 5'-1"" wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married."

"I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell."

"I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box."

"No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president."

"Someone with a thick Italian accent walks up to a man and says ""I really like europeanness."""

"Basically, I'm paying for a gym membership just to have the keyring thingy so people think I actually go to one..."

"The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs."

"What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? My girlfriend knows about my wife."

"*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield* General: ""STAY STRONG, MEN!"" *soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*"