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Joke of the Day

"SANTA: I don't need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start"

"How do you tell the difference between an East Indian Chef and a porn star? Ask them to pronounce the word cumin."

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who need closure (told by Cortana)"

"What do you call a zoo that only has one dog? A shit-zoo."

"Any man that believes women are ""the weaker sex"" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter's night."

"When Spongebob has sex he wouldn't make the girl wet. He would dry her up."

"Terminator doesn't google himself he uses Altavista baby."

"Talk Like A Pirate Day Here's my impersonation of a pirate: *ahem* Look at me. Look at me. I'm the captain now."

"A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word ""hey"""

"*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live"