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Joke of the Day

"If I'm suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it's only because I want what you're eating."

"Why can't Armenians drive? Because they're too busy swearing at obama! ba dum tss"

"What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on her toe? Mitosis"

"Interesting that on Opposite Day you cannot declare that it is so."

"If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something..."

"The Civil War wasn't about slavery . . . . . . it was about ethics in journalism."

"How do you make holy water? Boil the *hell* out of it."

"Yo mama's like a mosquito I gotta slap her to stop sucking"

"Trump/Pence 2016! Or ""TP"" as I like to call it. ;)"

"Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now....."