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Joke of the Day

"Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions"

"How do you know someone is a vegan? Oh don't worry, they'll fucking tell you"

"Have you heard of drooling Jesus? He's offering salivation."

"How is a picket fence like a mini skirt? They both protect the property but they don't spoil the view."

"I used to be a taxi driver but I had to quit... I couldn't stand people talking behind my back."

"If tree fall in Siberian woods... And tree fall on Glorious Leader Putin... Does make any sound other than applause?"

"What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks? Her tits aren't nice"

"Hello, Doctor. I have a problem - people ignore me... - Next."

"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? A: Conservation of momentum. _____ *Also, give me your best dark jokes, I've been out of it a few years and I need to get some new material.*"

"[shower song] Im all outta Dove Im soapless without you I'll never get clean Now that you are all gone *grabs shampoo mic* IM ALL OUTTA DOVE"