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Joke of the Day

"Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom. 4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?"

"What is the difference between Elliot Rodgers and Malaysia Airlines? Malaysia Airlines only has been shot down once."

"A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work."

"Friend: ""Did you bring condoms?"" Me: ""No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."""

"Christmas tradition."

"What did the feminist baker blame for all of her life's problems? The Pastryarchy."

"A farmer was counting his cows and found out that he had 196, but when he rounded them up, he had 200."

"When is the Quran accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance."

"What do you call a short psychic who's escaped from rehab? A small medium at large."

"(Work in progress) I want to have sex with a news reporter. I want to have sex with a news reporter. As soon as enter her, I want to scream ""This Just In!"""