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Joke of the Day
"Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies."
Next Joke
"After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up. Now, my house looks like Ke$ha."
"After a whole year my school Extestentialist Club declared me... ...most likely to be"
"TIFU getting fired from the calendar factory All I did was take a day off."
"What do you call a black man on the moon An astronaut, you racist."
"Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked? Me: Sorry I was busy W: Doing what? *cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit* Me: Uh.."
"If someone broke up with me (doubtful) I would say 'Ok weird eyes' Even if their eyes weren't weird id say it. Because they'd always wonder"
"Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do. When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5. Turns out he's an odd job man."
"A Christian and an atheist walk into a bar. They proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each other's company because they're not pretentious dicks."
"Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact."