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Joke of the Day

"[Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet"

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"Which sport is more lame: frisbee, or curling? Discus"
"When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago."
"What do vampires cross the sea in? Blood vessels."
"For sale: Standards. Mint condition. Barely used."
"[Wall Street] ME: haha Hump Day, amiright? HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes* ME: eh? *nudge* HD: Dude don't- ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit"
"I was going to yell ""Surprise!"" but missed the opportunity, now I'm stuck standing behind a curtain wondering when this becomes stalking."
"I like women how I like my eggs... Whites only"
"With Airlines stocks having crashed. I can't decide between paying for two extra bags or buying half the company."
"The dalai lama walks into a pizza parlor... And he asks the cashier to make him one with everything."
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