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Joke of the Day

"ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open. Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way."

"ME: Tall, dark, toilet-trained. YOU: Pizza."

"Have You Heard The One About The Sheep? It's baaad..."

"Santa has blue balls 364 days out of the year.. He only comes once a year"

"Steps to getting into her pants: 1) Wait for her to fall asleep 2) Take her pants off 3) Put them on yourself 4) Find a top that matches"

"Mr. Tripler, your U.S. Patent request for ""YO I WANNA PATENT MY NEIGHBORS CAT MORPHEUS SO HE MINE NOW"" has been declined."

"Don't reply to nuclear reactors that say they're ugly. They're just fission for compliments."

"Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!"

"Meatloaf said: ""I would do anything for love, but I won't do that""... ...he means lose weight. -&y"