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Joke of the Day

"Happy Fathers Day! Me: Happy Fathers Day! Pop: Thanks! Me: I'll call you later. Pop: Don't call me later, call me Dad :') ..."

"ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly, there's no way anyone could misinterpret it. THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted"

"Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation."

"I'm starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person."

"If you trip over in public, a cool thing to do is break into a jog, leave the country, have plastic surgery and change your name."

"You know that schizophrenic hobo that has nonsensical conversations with himself? That's Twitter in real life."

"My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too."

"""Oh, you're left handed?"" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show"

"Doctor's wife was told she was terrible in bed. After coming home late, the Doctor accused her of cheating. She responded, ""I wasn't out cheating, I was out getting a second opinion."""

"I'm circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, ""BRAKES!""."