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Joke of the Day

"When a track star gets best time in a race they ""Break a record"" but when I do it I've ""Falsely entered a Special Olympics event""."

"What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!"

"How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard."

"When my wife starts to sing .. I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on."

"On this Fourth of July, just remember... He who comes forth with a fifth on the Fourth, may not come forth on the Fifth."

"If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees."

"I don't know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you."

"I don't know how you women do it. Every time I try to ""sleep my way to the top"" I get woken up and sent to HR."

"If you don't believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs."

"I make the kids wear fannypacks so they'll have someplace to hold my drugs when we get pulled over."