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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed? A highlighter Edit: Or a Bud Light Courtesy of u/isnottoast"

"Tough Monday, guys. Had to fire Guadalupe for putting two left-footed socks together. Heavy heart because she basically raised me."

"My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other."

"Zombie apocalypses suck. Everything comes back to bite you!"

"I like my women like I like my coffee.... Black and full of semen."

"What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede."

"I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it..."

"Can you imagine how hard it must be to intern a suicide bomber? You need three years experience to even apply!"

"The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd tweet this while I wait for the water to boil..."

"What's the longest you've stayed in bed? I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke"