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Joke of the Day

"[Carnac the Magnificent] Donald Trump Hannibal Lector Liver and fava beans *opens envelope* ""Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner"""

"My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don't know what it means but I'm terrified."

"*unplugs 100% charged iphone* *slides to unlock* battery 43%"

"It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before."

"What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea? An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week."

"What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day"

"my life is all about getting strong and powerful and then marching on down to hell to challenge satan for the throne"

"Do you know what the Steve Harvey autobiography is called? Neither does his publisher. He gave it a title, but then took it back."

"What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday? Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years."

"Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second."