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Joke of the Day

"What State do you go to to ask questions? Al-ask-ya"

"I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas."

"I held a door for an elderly Japanese man. He said ""Sank you."" Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?"

"Just asked Siri. ""Surely it's not going to rain today?"" She said ""it will, and don't call me Shirley"" ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode."

"hey! if u keep makimg faces like that u'll grow up to be a great physical comedian, able to unite peopel with laughter, adored by all, loved"

"What do you call someone without arms or legs Matt"

"How do you know if a hippo is in your oven? The door won't close"

"A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together."

"What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work? Antifistamines."

"[Fitbit commercial with me] BEFORE: lazy guy AFTER: lazy guy who had $129"