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Joke of the Day

"Don't talk shit about someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

"I have the body of a 20 year old model... Unfortunately it won't fit in my freezer."

"Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I'm stalking her I can tell the cops she's a hooker."

"If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free."

"there once was a man from nantucket whose butthole was as wide as a bucket when it was full of goop, how did he poop? very carefully lmao"

"I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The pinata is unscathed."

"What do songwriters do after they die? They decompose"

"[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial"

"[in Paris] Will you have sex with me? ""No monsieur."" Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES."

"What is ISIS's favorite candy bar? Allahu Snackbar, it's flavor is explosive."