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Joke of the Day

"My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call."

"Somebody told me that today literally adds up But that's silly, 8+8 =/= 2016"

"Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent."

"[playing pictionary] Her: A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...OMG YES I'LL MARRY YOU! Him: Its a door knocker."

"I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... ""Butt wait, there's more!"""

"Girl, is your name ""Schedule"" ? Because I'm always running behind ya."

"Did you know that Hitler made a rap album? Straight out of Mein Kampf-ton."

"Why did Adele cross the road? To say ""hello"" from the other side. ::mic drop::::"

"My sex life is a lot like the Olympic 100m final. I wait 4 years for it and it's over in less than 10 seconds."

"That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass"