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Joke of the Day

"What sound does a pinewood derby car make when you rev it? Wooooooden Woooooooden Woooooden!"

"Lif is too short"

"Hosted a mass debate party last night. I was the only one who came."

"I'm going to a costume party as jesus. What are some good jesus party quotes I can use?"

"How to propose marriage: 1. Drive to bridge 2. Jump off"

"What do you call it when you make fun of someone's gambling addiction? Slot shaming."

"How's a divorce like a hurricane... There's a bunch of sucking and blowing, but in the end she takes your house."

"I might be overreacting, but being forced to scroll past other countries in a drop down menu makes me want to start a world war."

"Government Shutdown: Day 13 Anthony Weiner decides to help. He takes a photo. He tweets. Congress now sees where balls are located."

"My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself... That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!"