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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that."

"What do you get if you let your child dress up as Link for Halloween and they eat to much candy? A hyper-Link!"

"Rat and a Mouse Q:What's the difference between a mouse and a rat? A: 1 has a less likely chance of survival in the dog pound"

"4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture! Me: Love it 4: See green M: Yep 4: And blue M: Mmhm 4: And red M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up."

"I'm gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I'm about to win."

"Toucan: Albanians kidnap Liam Neesons bird"

"If you haven't had a vagina around your neck... You haven't lived. Happy Mother's Day!"

"What do bricks and Latinas have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans..."

"""I don't think you're ready for this jelly."" ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich."

"Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, ...and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan."