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Joke of the Day

"I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me. Even if one said, ""I want to do you."" I'd respond, ""What do you mean? Like an impression?"""

"[Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: ""Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free."""

"My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has."

"One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol."

"For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see ""50 Shades"". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up."

"1 out of every 5 kids face hunger the other 4 turn away"

"What do you call a fish who works for the government? An Official."

"If the Hipster fad were to end... Would we even hear about it?"

"You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it. YOU'RE WELCOME."

"""Grandpa, are you sure you want to order crazy beef with ghost chilis?"" ""It'll Szechuan fire."""