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Joke of the Day

"A man goes to the doctors, complaining about a pain in his eye. Man: Every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye Doctor: Have you tried removing the spoon first"

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"I have a step stool... I never knew my real stool."
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"He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick."
"What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted people"
"I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own."
"Did you know you can order a taco at a Japanese restaurant? I hope you like octopus."
"My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons. At least that's what I had to tell child services just now."
"DAD: I invented a diaper that's also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg"
"I've been sober as far back as I can remember. Which is roughly 11 hours."