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Joke of the Day

"Dr: Are you sexually active? Me: *cries* Dr: Um, are you sexually- Me: *cries harder* Dr: .....Ok. Do you drink? Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter."

"How do you catch a unique lion? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame lion? tame way! Zingo!"

"An Old Woman Commissions a Tombstone... ... she asks the carvers to write ""born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."" It wouldn't fit on the face, so they just wrote ""Returned unopened."""

"You were the hot single in your area the whole time."

"What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick? Put it on my bill."

"What do nazis use to mass produce toys? A vinyl solution."

"What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins! (Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)"

"A fun thing to do when you're done dating someone is just disappear completely and pretend you've lost your phone and died"

"Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is ""I can tweet that"""