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Joke of the Day

"You have to admire husband's focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out ""I hate you"" in morse code w my knife."

"Me: Hi. Girl: No."

"Have you ever stopped and thought about why the republican party of America has a donkey as a symbol? After yesterday we all know why now."

"What does a mexican magician make for breakfast? Toast-tah-dahs!"

"Sorry I can't go out. My phone is too old to hold enough charge so I live by this outlet now."

"What's the definition of 'vagina'? The box the penis comes in!"

"My neighbours are very loud when they have sex. And that's bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word."

"I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe"

"Boys are like bras.. They are cute and supportive until you use them too long and then they fall apart... ...also that's when the support ends"

"If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall."