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Joke of the Day

"Bloke walks up and asks ""Do you prefer long legs or short?"", so I reply ""I prefer something in between"""

"Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated? Because he thought people were taking him for granite."

"Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies."

"Miranda rights a lady police officer was reading the miranda rights to the guy being arrested "" what ever you say can be and will be held against you"" the guy says ""tits"""

"This sub has taken a dive recently I guess I should put my phone in rice to try and dry it out."

"What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen"

"[Wedding] ""...to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?"" [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]"

"wait, THESE are pistachios? i've been calling them wood clams"

"Did you hear about the murdered essay? They can't find the body."

"So my girlfriend caught me cheating Dunno what pisses her off more, that I cheated, or that I destroyed her daughters grave."