216288

Joke of the Day

"Tombstone request: Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin. The engraver shortened it to: "" Returned unopened."""

"I'm constantly pretending I know what people are talking about."

"If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat."

"I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now..... after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet."

"I can't remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn't available."

"Never serve bad food at a bris Otherwise the rabbi won't leave a tip"

"I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand That way when it starts to run out I can say, ""Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"""

"Why does Heisenberg hate driving? He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer."

"mirrors can't talk. and lucky for you, they can't laugh."

"*emergency room* NURSE: ""we're losing him!"" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: ""IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"""