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Joke of the Day

"Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough.... I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine."

"I think horoscopes are absolute tosh. But you know me, typical Virgo."

"[backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can."

"Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked."

"Why you should definitely visit the Grand Canyon... Well... it's just plain *gorge*-ous"

"Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered."

"Why did Hugh Jackman single handedly stop a Franciscan botanist from accidentally dropping a match in the forest? Because only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

"Do You Like Hardee's? Then you're gonna love how Hardee's nuts hit your face."

"The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is."

"Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? All that was left was de-Brie"