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Joke of the Day
"I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped ... I wanted to be ruthless"
Next Joke
"How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker? I use them both to get off."
"*watches movie* *sees a scene with full frontal male nudity* *pauses for three months*"
"Famous last words of the father, when he killed his Son with a vacuum cleaner Dyson"
"WIFE: you've had enough ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol"
"""To be and not to be"" ~ Schrodinger's Hamlet"
"H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep"
"Interview Employer: ""This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible."" Applicant: ""I'm the one you want! At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible."""
"I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork."
"It's ""hairs"" not the collective ""hair"" now. I have so few I know each individually by name."