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Joke of the Day
"What's black, white, and too fast to see? The perfect mugging."
Next Joke
"""Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred."" ""So just the normal way you make a martini then?"" ""That's right."""
"As a person with alzheimers, all my punchlines are..."
"People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it"
"Peanut Butter A man walks into a psychiatrist's office masturbating with a jar of peanut butter. He asks the doctor, ""Well, whaddya think?"". The doctor replied, ""I think you're fucking nuts."""
"The other day my friend was telling me I didn't know what irony meant... Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop."
"Why do golfers always bring an extra pair of trousers In case they get a hole in one"
"Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show."
"[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That's not true"
"What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? See ya next month."