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Joke of the Day

"How can you lose around 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head."

"did you fall from heaven because your face is all screwed up"

"Why cant a woman be the goalie for hockey? 3 periods 2 pads."

"My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'."

"So Cher has been told she only has weeks to live... ...if only she could turn back time."

"There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where they can take it back. Win-win."

"I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how's your day going?"

"A perfect breakfast my perfect breakfast: my son on a box of wheaties, my girlfriend on the cover of playboy,my wife on the back of a milk carton..."

"I found an plot of soil yesterday. I went back to the site today and found even more soil... The plot thickens..."

"[helping my kid with contractions] Me: Would've Her: Would have M: Nice. I'll H: I will M: Good. Won't H: Won not M: Excellent"