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Joke of the Day

"im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason"

"Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people."

"Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I just say ""Hello"" back because there are too many witnesses around to stab you repeatedly in the face."

"Who is the biggest singer right now? Ariana Grande"

"If I went house hunting I'd take a really big gun."

"After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is"

"If you cut down a hundred trees, you are not a lumberjack. But if you suck one dick, you are a cocksucker."

"If I worked in a restaurant.... on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink."

"My parents were in the iron and steel industry... My mother had to iron and my father had to steal."

"My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo."