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Joke of the Day

"I think I'll vote the NSA for president... ...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election."

"Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism."

"""Your keys are over THERE."" - Wow. You have eagle eyes! ""Yup. My vision is 20/20."" - No. I mean they're small, beady & kinda close together."

"What do you call Usain bolt when he's running from a lion? Fast food"

"Fuck, marry, kill? Your sibling. Your mom. Your dad. Fuck all of them"

"Why did robin williams cross the road? I Fucked his uncle too hard!!!!!!!!"

"An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal."

"Women used to call me ugly until they heard how much money I have Now they call me ugly and poor. (Heard a long time ago, couldn't find source)"

"""Why do bad things happen to good people?"" To even out the good things that happen to bad people."

"If you rape a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting"