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Joke of the Day

"*confidently throws the empty macaroni box in the garbage because I don't need instructions* *pulls the box back out 3 times to make sure*"

"TAKEN 4 COMING SOON ! Ring , Ring . Kim this is your father. Daddy ? she replies. But, but your dead ! Listen I'm a Ghost , and my Corpse is about to be, TAKEN !lol."

"The breweries of the United States are planning to overthrow the government... It's a consbeeracy!"

"Say whatever you want about pedophiles... ..but at least they slow down in school zones..."

"How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool."

"Jared Fogle gets sentenced 15 1/2 years in prison At least he'll still be able to enjoy footlongs"

"Starbucks and Hooters should merge. Can you imagine ordering a Double D Latte? Everything you need in a cup or two."

"Everyone on a flight is technically a flight attendant"

"Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate."

"My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we both are... But I laugh more."