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Joke of the Day

"[bank robbery] ""Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?"" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY"

"I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails."

"A pirate, a chicken and a train enter a bar. ""what can I get you?"" ARR BKAWK CHOO CHOO"

"I went out last night with a group of enthusiastic weavers. Unfortunately they had to rush off to meet a looming deadline."

"Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don't go to Africa and start naming lions 'Ahmad' and 'Hassan'."

"Please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it."

"My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk."

"It's kind of fcuked up that Valentine's Day is the only socially acceptable time to trade sexual favors for gifts."

"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one."

"I think my girlfriend might have an eating disorder I threw her onto the bed last night and my dog jumped up to retrieve her"