212485

Joke of the Day

"I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments."

"3YO: ""How do babies get out of bellies?"" ME: ""Look! Ice cream!"" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: ""How do babies get out of be---"""

"My front door was locked so I tried to force it open. Then my wife said ""You're not a Jedi Paul, just use the goddamn key."""

"16 Sodium atoms walked into a bar followed by Batman"

"What is the loneliest number? My phone number, call me please! #Please don't"

"What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! And it sucks *hard*. ( )"

"I have an irrational fear of over-engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex"

"What do you say when a Canadian won't listen to you? He'll have Nunavut"

"Why are some musicians so antisocial? Because all they want is tonics and dominance."

"Why did the bean sell his car? The back seat didn't have enough legume."