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Joke of the Day

"""Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form."" University of Chicago"

"My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating That's the last time I banged a psychic"

"Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named ""Geico."""

"ISIS released a new video today In it they claimed responsibility for manufacturing the Samsung Galaxy Note 7"

"What does seven days without exercise make? One weak!"

"What did the mexican get on his SAT's? Taco crumbs"

"My Grandfather I'll never forget my grandfather's last words.. ""Are you sure you're holding the fucking ladder?"""

"I hired a hitman to kill the wife. He said, I'll shoot her just below the left nipple. I replied, I want her dead, Not fucking kneecapped"

"Dudes named Chance never had one."

"Why do presidents have unsatisfied wives? It takes four years to get an election."