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Joke of the Day

"Remember, guys, every day is a gift. Filled with unreturnable things you didn't ask for and don't want."

"[first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no."

"Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player? Because he's a switch hitter"

"I saw my local theatre advertising a night of XXX Roman plays... I thought ""ooo, sounds sexy,"" so I went along, but was disappointed. It turned out to just be thirty plays."

"add ""boobs"" to a famous film name 47 boobs. got it?"

"Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station."

"What do you call a native american women that has 2 periods a month? a 2 cycle engine"

"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? ""see you next month"""

"AMERICA: Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka"

"You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on."