211681

Joke of the Day

"I confuse ""playing dead"" with ""playing dumb"" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like ""Listen, I don't even know how I got here."""

"Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I've offered to eat my friend. I'm not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes."

"I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back."

"New drinking game: Draw a card, if it's black take a shot... I call it Ferguson."

"I just lost my virginity!!!! April fools *sob*"

"What's the first thing a hillbilly says after losing her virginity? Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."

"PERSONAL TRAINER: How's your nutrition? ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse."

"Her: If I get fat will you break up with me? Me: No but you're now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden."

"Thank God It's Monday"" ~ My Liver"

"If I ever want to hide something from my husband I'd put it in the dishwasher- he'd never look in there"