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Joke of the Day
"If television has taught me anything, it's that I can totally outrun an explosion."
Next Joke
"Common Core"
"WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?"
"Limericks eh? There once was a fellow named Blair Who was having his girl on the stair On the 44th stroke The banister broke So he finished her off in the air."
"My favorite brand of cider is Dicken's. My wife also loves Dicken's cider. ( )"
"What's the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and two kids playing catch at the park? I actually give a shit if the kids lose their balls."
"Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich"
"When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell ""HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"""
"It's impossible not to look creepy whispering to a child"
"What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot? It's a tie."