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Joke of the Day

"Why don't bats sleep outside? You ever deal with a sunburned asshole?"

"Wifey: We should get a chest freezer. Me: We don't need a freezer that big. Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies? Me: I love you."

"I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye. Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side."

"electricity is from electrons... morality from morons?"

"*boss trying to relate to younger employees* ""Excited for the weekend? I know I'll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!"""

"Don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day. I repeat, don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day."

"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... ...they always take things literally"

"When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face? When her mustache is on fire!"

"INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]"

"Pal: on your date, don't let her think you get jealous on date Date: the steak please Me: So you know, I'm cool with you talking to that guy"