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Joke of the Day

"Wifey: We should get a chest freezer. Me: We don't need a freezer that big. Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies? Me: I love you."

"Relationships are easy as pie! *burns pie*"

"2 nazis walk into a bar"

"I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together! I was, like, OMg!"

"Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear."

"How can you tell if your son is gay? Ask him to go to a football game. If he can't go, because he's busy sucking his boyfriend's dick, he might be gay."

"There should be a terrible show about a woman, her mom, and her daughter, all 3 named Jennifer, called ""Jenerations"" on Lifetime or the CW."

"[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]"

"When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter... But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts."

"My work signed me up for a 401k But I've never even run a marathon"